And still, I was a rape victim beingthrown back into the sexual wild. I?m not saying that to arousesympathy ? I?m saying it because it is true and really clouded me. Ihad major emotional issues to deal with, but I never did anything aboutit. I just kept serving breakfast in a bra and panties, waiting to bebent over again.I?m sure I looked like I was OK. I?m sure it looked like I - and likewe - were in a great pattern and really enjoying ourselves. I was truly?living the dream? - the good life, the clothes, cars and money - and Iwould have done anything for him. Not because of those things, butbecause of him. I loved Ryan. I don?t want to give too much away,since it all gets resolved, but I know my willingness to please Ryan wasa major reason things ended up the way they did. He deserves some blametoo. I can only go on the facts that I have.Diary Entry: November 2008Ryan and I got talking about more surgery today. Just sort of a mutualthing that came up off the cuff. I. "Oh!" "Now Maura, please tell me what your problem is, there are nude people all around us, why do you object to me?"Her slate gray eyes blink once, twice, she looked away. I peeked at her breasts, which I found quite to my liking, full and from what I could tell at a glance quite natural."I find your p-p-p..." penis?" Yes, your penis, oh God, I'm so embarrassed..." You find my penis - what?" Well it's distracting." Distracting?" Well a while ago I arrived here and set up my place over there, and began to read my book, and while I did notice you here, I paid you no mind" What changed that?" Well, look I'm sorry I bothered you, please forgive me, I just-" No, it's clear that something changed your mind and caused you to come over and disturb me. Now you have to tell me, and if i can do something I will to make you more comfortable." Well, " she swallowed, bit her lip, sighed, brushed her auburn hair with her fingers, "while you were laying there, you were aroused, oh god, you penis.
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